27 November 2012

There's NOTHING more I WANT from you

Here it is again. I did not ask for this visit. The only difference is that it arrives more often. I honestly thought I would have more time. The gaps narrow and I have no choice but to accept them. I love the 'up' times but there are so few now. I have one option but I don't feel ready for that finality yet. Count the minutes. Count the weeks. Count the years. Count the days to the holidays.

29 October 2012

I'm holding out for a HERO

I don't think America knows what a hero is anymore.

he·ro   [heer-oh]  
noun, plural he·roes
a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.

As much as I like sports I do not think that any player fits the criteria. 
The same is true of an elderly man who suffers memory loss and walks from NH to NC. Lucky as hell but not a hero.

You know who real heroes are... Firemen and Police especially the ones on 9/11. Our military.People who put their lives on the line, knowing full well they are putting themselves in harms way - Paramedics and EMT's
A child's Mother and Father when they chase away the monsters in the closet and under the bed - for that is a child's view.
As adults we need to realize that the word hero is a special word with special meaning that should not be invoked lightly.


know what you want

24 October 2012


My lover has returned with promises 
of peace, darkness and no pain for eternity.

18 September 2012


Mr Romney I am part of the 47% that you seem to dismiss. I receive Social Security Disability and Medicare. I did not choose to become a "slacker" and "mooch off" the government. I started working at 16 and held my last job in 2000. I worked in food service, retail (management as well as straight customer service), I was a Pottery Studio assistant  and taught Art in a grammar school in Brooklyn. My problem was that my Bipolar - oh yes I was diagnosed Bipolar in high school, likes to rear its ugly head at the most inopportune times. I missed the majority of my senior year, the first 5 months of 1995 and a minimum of one week a year (sometimes more, sometimes less) all spent in mental hospitals.

Mr Romney there is no "free ride". I paid into Social Security, taxes in three different states and dealt with the majority of people who do not like/understand mental illness. Explain (without explaining) why you need every Thursday off. I either ignore peoples curiosity about why I don't work or explain and lose potential friendship. The price I pay everyday is human contact. People are curious about why am I 43 and still living with my Mom.  There were times when I did live on my own and held a responsible job but then the other shoe would drop and I would totally lose it. I guess you might say I'm gun shy now. I preferred  my "normal" life to the one I exist in now. I have paid with my dignity so that people of your ilk can judge me and tag me "slacker".  I think it would be safe to say that with all the work I have done (in the work force and psychiatric)  that you are, comparatively,  the one who is a slacker.

Mr Romney when you next decide to judge any Americans please try one thing first - walk in their shoes. Survive for one month on $1000 or less(I get $900 due in part to my work history). Pay rent, utilities, medications and food. Buy gas for your car or pay for public transportation or if not lucky enough to have a car and there's no public transportation then get up early to walk. This is real life for many real Americans. Do not insult us. We are the people who do the work you believe is beneath you, the elderly, the working poor, the unemployed looking for work, veterans, the mentally ill and physically ill - chronic illnesses, rare genetic disorders and debilitating injuries. You will find that people who are on unemployment, disability, Social Security, food stamps, Medicare, Medicaid or any of the safety nets and life lines that are there to HELP people really DO need the help.  That's what a good country does for it's people - what the people do for each other. If you remove these safeties what do we have? Insane asylums and work houses? People dying at home (or in the streets) due to no healthcare access. Children going hungry or getting their only meal from school.

Now I'm an Atheist but this saying works for me for this situation....
"There but for the grace of god go I."
I'm speaking to you Mr Romney.

13 July 2012

Bipolar Me

I feel the facade falling. I can't feel my own self anymore. I'm so empty but yet I'm speeding along in my mind. I'm tired. I want it to end. I'm so tired.The tears are falling - non-stop rain in my life... my heart. Banging, pounding in my head, my heart.

You are gone. You don't matter. Never have. Never will. Fuck you.

I need to get away from the ignorance. The stupidity. The intolerance. The hatred. The indifference.

Music makes life        come alive    fly    with me  it's not much     further   freedom      life   peace.

I need this feeling.................. it's been stolen for too long................. emptiness invades  a thief a robber

Bring me his head on a silver platter. Burn the heretics. Do it in the name of no one. It matters not cause no one will remember the importance. They will remember the horror. They will remember the hate. They will judge the past without an eye on the present.
The only thing that will matter is they are right, correct, just and only they are.
Everyone else is not.   There is only their truth. The truth.  Everywhere.

Words.     love  life  emptiness hate.  Shattered broken intelligence

             plausible deniability

s i g h

I don't know where this will end up. It's crazy - just fucking crazy. 
My life, this country, people in general.
Just tired and a little sad. 

25 June 2012

We Are Woman !

I'm speaking to you.  Women who are not supporting other women. We all have different beliefs but we all have one important thing in common - we are women. We need to start sticking up for each other. Straight, lesbian, transgender, mother, daughter, sister, friend - we seem different but not so.  "We are all women" is our first commonality but we have others, sadly others. We can be victims of incest and possibly become pregnant or at the very least acquire a STD along with severe genital trauma. We can be raped of which pregnancy, STD's and genital trauma are all possible. In both situations physical and psychological trauma would also be possible outcomes. Cultural traditions are also important in how these issues are dealt with. Some girls and women are told they are to blame for what has occurred and are then shunned or in extreme situations killed. Although religion, cultural or familial beliefs can all impact differently, we are still all women. And we should all be able to decide how we best will deal with these in our own way. Medical decisions should be our own - always. Not (ever) decided in a State House by men and sometimes women that don't know anything about the women who are in these difficult situations. A woman and her doctor - the only people in the equation. When women are corralled as a faceless entity and treated as feeble minded so that seemingly the only intelligent decisions could not possibly be made by them - well women are in a sad position.

We are the only ones who will stand up for us. We have our best interests in mind - no one else will do right by us. Who would force anyone to relive an emotional, physical and psychological trauma for nine more months? Will they be with us through each harrowing day and night? Will they pay all the doctor's bills? Give us paid leave from our work? And in extreme cases shelter and food?  And will they truly care for the child's needs before and after birth? It costs between $120,000 and $250,000 to raise a child from birth to age 18 according to a survey by the U.S. Department of Agriculture (this estimate does not include college tuition).

Before the next Abortion Clinic is bombed or the next doctor gunned down perhaps the "Pro-Life" people should honestly look at their motives and the complete "cost" of their actions. They should also look at the fact that their belief systems are theirs and theirs alone no matter how much they desire it to be the world view.

29 March 2012

Ruby Bridges

In Spring 1960, Ruby Bridges was one of several African-Americans in New Orleans to take a test to determine which children would be the first to attend integrated schools. Six students were chosen, however, two students decided to stay at their old school, and three were transferred to Mcdonough. Ruby was the only one assigned to William Frantz. Her father initially was reluctant, but her mother felt strongly that the move was needed not only to give her own daughter a better education, but to “take this step forward … for all African-American children.” As soon as Bridges got into the school, white parents went in and brought their own children out; all teachers refused to teach while a black child was enrolled. They hired Barbara Henry, from Boston, Massachusetts, to teach Bridges, and for over a year Mrs. Henry taught her alone, “as if she were teaching a whole class.” That first day, Bridges and her adult companions spent the entire day in the principal’s office; the chaos of the school prevented their moving to the classroom until the second day. Every morning, as Bridges walked to school, one woman would threaten to poison her, because of this, the U.S. Marshals dispatched by President Eisenhower, who were overseeing her safety, only allowed Ruby to eat food that she brought from home. Another woman at the school put a black baby doll in a wooden coffin and protested with it outside the school, a sight that Bridges Hall has said “scared me more than the nasty things people screamed at us.” At her mother’s suggestion, Bridges began to pray on the way to school, which she found provided protection from the comments yelled at her on the daily walks. The Bridges family suffered for their decision to send her to William Frantz Elementary: her father lost his job, and her grandparents, who were sharecroppers in Mississippi, were turned off their land. She has noted that many others in the community both black and white showed support in a variety of ways. Some white families continued to send their children to Frantz despite the protests, a neighbor provided her father with a new job, and local people babysat, watched the house as protectors, and walked behind the federal marshals’ car on the trips to school.