25 May 2011

When Did You Choose... ?

Are there choices in life? Why is there hate & intolerance towards people who have no choice? Why when there is a choice do we tend to act as tho there is none? What do you choose?

20 May 2011


is thicker than 

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt. - Bertrand Russell

What people say, what people do, and what they say they do are entirely different things. - Margaret Mead

what causes cruelty and what allows it to perpetuate?

“All cruelty springs from hard-heartedness and weakness.” - Seneca

why are some thrown to the wolves and then resented for surviving?

Why don't you like me?

17 May 2011

Living?, A Living?, A Living Wage? part II

I started out in one place and ended up in a completely different one.
Who knew this went full circle for me.

I think to understand WHY people are opposed to "social programs" one must understand the mindset.

"No one ever helped me so please explain the purpose of helping lazy fakers."

Which leads to...

1. These people are lazy fakers ie. they would rather be on the dole than earn an honest dollar.

2. These so-called unemployed are too picky or are not looking hard enough.

3. Mentally disabled persons. (insert unbelieving snort here) Depression everyone gets depressed. These   'mentally ill' people need to suck it up, put on their big-girl panties and quit faking.

4. Physically disabled persons healed awhile back but are used to the cushy life - beer, chips and soaps.

Whereas in reality...

1. While this is true in some cases it is not true in all. Sweeping generalizations can be dangerous.

2. One example: My own father, white collar bank auditor, was out of work for 3 years during which time we almost lost our home, I had to leave college and my mom took a job in a hospital cleaning OR's(have you ever cleaned an OR after a hip replacement?). My dad applied to drive school buses(turned down) and applied to refuel planes at our local airport ($5/hr)(accepted)and finally applied for and got a job back in the white collar field(corporate account reconciliations). Oh yeah at half his original salary. He sure was picky.

3. Let's see where does one start. Everyone should spend at least one week in a state run mental hospital - talk about F.U.N. Try a cocktail of psychiatric drugs - one anti-depressant does not cut it. You can keep the big-girl panties as long as there are no strings - same goes for your shoes (This is the abbreviated version - I have a l...o...n...g version I will post later.)

4. If you think this is fun and cushy you haven't tried it for more than a week all the while dodging accusations of fraud. Then again I don't know many disabled people who can mix alcohol with their pain pills.

16 May 2011

21 May 2011 - The Rapture?

Should we accept open arms? Stick our head in the sand? Or continue life as usual? Why do people take solace in the inane?(or is it insane?) Why is there fear of death yet people grasp for this type of death cult with open arms? One only need to see the reactions the day after to glimpse the psychosis attached to this 'belief' system and to realize how gullible people are.

Rapture Ready from Lumax Grillo on Vimeo.

How I Got Where I Am

I posted this on the IIDB now FRDB in 2008. I think it puts things in perspective.

I just want to officially introduce myself. Hi I'm lumax. As you can see i've been hanging out for a bit(mainly in games subforum but other forums too) trying to see if I liked it here and if my thoughts and opinions fit here. I think they do. When I first found this site(thru a link at FSTDT) I identified myself as Agnostic, now as Atheist. Back in February I was still grasping at the straws that were God in part because I didn't want to disappoint my parents(I was raised Roman Catholic). When I made the realization that I did not and could not believe in God I felt a weight had been removed. A combination of personal experience threads and continual repetition of “The God Delusion” in other threads brought me to Amazon.com where I purchased not only said book but also Letter To A Christian Nation and Everything You Know About God Is Wrong. I have had 6 more books delivered since and hid my credit card. The point I guess I'm trying to make is that this was not a frivolous decision. This was something I've struggled with since I was 13. I'm 39 now. For the longest time I thought which religion I practiced might be the issue and I went thru a bunch of different ones(Christian + Pagan) and never seemed to find the right fit. Then I concluded that it was dogma and tradition - Jesus was a Jew should not Christians actually be Jews as well? This was about the time I moved to North Carolina - where everyone is a Christian(at least in my town). Because my family was identified as Catholics we have been the focus of conversion by many of the Born Again Evangelicals in our neighborhood. I have a friend who is one of the above(she has never actively tried to convert us) but we have many other things in common one of which is heated debate. So for almost a year we have been discussing religion, in person and via email. Mainly Christianity but also Judaism as it relates to OT. I should clarify she is an Old Earth Creationist and Biblical literalist. Unbeknownst to her it was actually her arguments and my research to counter them that brought me to the brink. Which was when I found you and lost any delusion of god I may have had. Thank you.

*I need to clarify a few things... it turns out my "friend" was trying to convert me. How do I know? The big tell was that when I told her she said it changed nothing and we would remain friends but then she cut herself off from me completely - my parents as well. In fact even her children stayed away until my Dad died - go figure. Second I do not believe in an historical Jesus. The Jesus of the bible,IMO, is more a conglomeration of older myths possibly mixed with an actual Rabbi who may or may not have lived during said time period.
There are other posts earlier and later here that flesh this out better and I continually evolve in my thinking to try and make myself better understood. At least I hope so.

08 May 2011

It's the end of the world as we know it and I FEEL FINE

REM said it perhaps not 1st but definitely with a toe tapping beat. There is talk, heated debate and sheer panic over "THE END". It's always nice to have a starting point or in this case an ending point and surprisingly we have more than a few. I will start us off with just some years. 1843/4, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942, 1975, 1981, 

1988, 1989, 1992, 1993, 1994, 2011 and 2060. These are just Christian-based Rapture predictions. There are more from other cultures and religions. 
The current date(s) in contention are: 
 21 May 2011 - Christian Rapture. 
 21 October 2011 - End of the World.
There are billboards, print ads, vehicles covered in warnings, websites, tracts, radio broadcasts, YouTube videos - basically an anything goes campaign to get the "Word" out. With the beginning of the end starting 13 days from today I find it interesting that  the main promotors of this date: Family Radio & EBibleFellowship are still hawking products and requesting donations(not just one time but long-term giving as well). "Christian preacher Harold Camping believes that the Rapture (in Christian belief, the taking up into heaven of God's elect people) will take place on May 212011 and that the end of the world as we know it will take place five months later on October 212011. These predictions were made by Camping, president of the Family Radio Christian network, who claims the Bible as his source.
Camping's writings that detail the timing of the end include:

  • Book
    • 1994? (1992 - predicts the End Times for September 4, 1994)
    • Time Has An End (2005 - discusses Camping's belief that 2011 is in all likelihood the end of the world)

 Jesus himself said in Matthew 24:36, 'Of that day and hour knows no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my father only.'" - Wikipedia 

Camping is on his 2nd attempt at End Times Prediction - 1994 was his 1st strike. It will be interesting to see his backtalk on the current date.

07 May 2011

A Living Wage, A Living, Living

What do you define as a living wage? Is it just being able to afford the basics and maybe if you're lucky and you scrimp and save you can treat yourself with a new t.v. or computer? Do you deserve health coverage? A decent car? Name brand instead of knock-offs? A vermin free home in a safe neighborhood? Who makes the decision of what you or I deserve?  Why should I be required to take a drug test to receive Welfare, Food Stamps, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security or Disability? When it is not required for the doctors, nurses, politicians, bankers, 1st responders, teachers, manufacturers, et. al. How do you manage to survive on $50k, $75k, $100k, $250k, half a million, one million or more? I have to survive on a little over $11k. I fight with the private insurance that is supposed to make  Medicare Part D easier and more user friendly. Every year I get switched to a new company with "better rates" Then I need to go thru "step therapy" for the drugs they prefer not to pay full price for - just to see if a generic will do the job(if they didn't last year I doubt very much they will this year) Sometimes a faxed letter from the doctor will help - sometimes. 
I'm on disability because I'm diagnosed as Bipolar(until you have actually had to live with it you really have no opinion.) I live with my Mom because I have no wish to live in Section 8 Housing without use of a car or public transportation. You use CARTS and tell me how convenient it is - especially after your appointment runs late and they leave you there.
 If you think I have a free ride think again. I worked for years: food service, retail, education and various other jobs always trying to maintain a degree of "I'm as together as you". I struggled to get a 4 year degree in about 10 yrs. I've been hospitalized more times than I can count for my Bipolar - plus two really good sized ones: 4 months and 6 months respectively. A week on a psych ward is bad enough - let's see you do 6 months in a state psychiatric hospital - 24 hour lockdown, no going outside or open windows(no fresh air), no visitors or very few (most people do not return after the 1st visit - even in a private hospital) - posting tho incomplete more later

04 May 2011

Cousins - common ancestor

I was informed today, by an acquaintance using almost the exact same phrasing(surprisingly or maybe not so)as another acquaintance from about 5 yrs ago that when it comes to man evolution just doesn't make sense. The way man is .... it is just too perfect for 'this' to have all occurred randomly...... "Only God could have created all this." I get headaches from these conversations. The evolution information came from the History Channel and the person felt it left alot unsaid and that the bible had more complete answers. This person, like the one from 5 years ago, found it very difficult to read the science due to a myriad of excuses. Not exclusive to: "not liking reading", not having an understanding of the basic science but unwilling to make the effort to find someone to explain it or find less advanced texts, unwilling to accept scientific fact as fact(specifically peer-reviewed research), they think it is laughable that we are descended from monkeys(we are not - we share a common ancestor) and what frightens me most is they feel even exploring the issue is detrimental to the delicate balance of their entire belief system. I may be an Atheist but I respect the many numbers of religious scientists and lay people that have found a balance in God-driven evolution.

02 May 2011

Who the hell is Demi Lovato? Part 2

"This Is Not Your Everyday Depression"

(A Letter to My Mom - April 30th)

Antidepressants(psychiatric meds)  do not work the way aspirin does…. take a pill and poof problem solved.  1st let me say sometimes there is no "right" pill.  I started out with Tofranil  at 14  and now, at 42, I'm seeing results with Pristiq - 28 yrs (if aspirin worked like this we would all be in trouble). My depression, my illness(bipolar), is different from others with the same diagnosis. That is why my drugs, my treatment, are different. Think of it this way  - Daddy had Bladder cancer, P* had Breast cancer,  S* had Prostrate cancer. All cancer but different types so different treatments.  Now look at the Bipolar: D*,  T* & S*, my friends L* & H* and myself. All either Bipolar I or Bipolar II (your brothers both undiagnosed & untreated professionally but as they say if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck….)D*, L* and me: all medicated but all very different medicinal regimes. T*, S* and H* all unmedicated but H* is diagnosed and chooses not to take the drugs. I have been on over 20 different drugs since 1st diagnosed. Some worked and continue to work(Lithium), some worked then stopped working(Tofranil, Zoloft, Trazodone), some work at certain a dose but throw me into hell at slightly different doses(Zoloft, Lamictal) and some just put me in hell(Abilify). With all these drugs I must take into account: what I eat, what I drink and how much, environmental factors(more of a problem in NC than CT), physical illness, other drugs, when I had all my female baggage my menstrual cycle played a HUGE part - this is the short list. My moods change like the wind - I know that and I do try  keep a handle on it but sometimes NOT possible - I really do DO my best. After more than 2(actually more like 4) years I have clarity in my brain. The heavy, hot, wet blanket of depression has lifted almost completely. I actually want to go out although I still have days I would rather contemplate all the ways to kill myself.---------I must interject here I just realized how much I have written and it amazes me mainly because it is not an angry diatribe. These are clear thoughts from a clear mind. ------- Back to business. Mom, I will never be cured. Never. I will have ups & downs. It will hopefully never get as bad as these past few years again but I can't say never to this either. I do my best. I trudge along. I get frustrated because people don't get "it". There is no "pushing  thru it" for me, no "forcing myself". I do my best. Sometimes to some my best seems like I'm not trying. I swear I am - more than anyone can imagine. Right now I'm trying but I must wait on these meds  to see if they will work. I know they seem like they are but at 100mg I'm so manic - it's like a carnival on acid in my brain but a really clear one. I really hope at 50mg (the only other choice for this drug) I retain the clarity without the crazy mania. Without the slide back into depression.
call it what you will but it still amounts to no control - a desire - a crapshoot.