14 August 2014

Thoughts About My Mental Illness

Let's be honest - no one knows what to say to someone who is depressed never mind suicidal. I, myself, have dealt with both for a bit over 3 decades and it's hard for me to say the right thing. The same tired platitudes - "It will be ok", "Things will get better", "We'll get thru this together"(how exactly, I'm a mess like you) or "God never gives us more than we can handle."(this one irks me more than it should but not everyone has religion). I've been hospitalized more times than I can count and it never gets easier. The staff have nothing new to offer in words but they do offer something that is priceless - listening. They listen to the things that we would never imagine sharing with our friends and family. Things that we… I believe would drive them away. The dark horrors that haunt our thoughts that we do not dare speak to others. It is not enough to say that I wish to die, to commit suicide, to end my life - what I hold dear are my plans that one day I'm brave(yes, brave, it is a difficult path) enough to go thru with it. I have had few friends who were able to breach my depression but times change and we separated. I love them all still and understand that people need to care for themselves first - it is beyond draining to split yourself in two. I have had fewer family, actually only one person fit that bill… my Dad. He was my friend and confidante - he never cringed at what I told him about the shit inside my head. He died 5 years ago and I still miss him dearly.

So what am I trying to say in all of this? Listen if you can but don't compromise your own sanity. You can't be there for another if you are not there for yourself.

Dad, Karen, Nicole, Amee - Thank you for making it easier during the tough times.