Who the hell is Demi Lovato? Part 2

OR 
"This Is Not Your Everyday Depression"


(A Letter to My Mom - April 30th)

Antidepressants(psychiatric meds)  do not work the way aspirin does…. take a pill and poof problem solved.  1st let me say sometimes there is no "right" pill.  I started out with Tofranil  at 14  and now, at 42, I'm seeing results with Pristiq - 28 yrs (if aspirin worked like this we would all be in trouble). My depression, my illness(bipolar), is different from others with the same diagnosis. That is why my drugs, my treatment, are different. Think of it this way  - Daddy had Bladder cancer, P* had Breast cancer,  S* had Prostrate cancer. All cancer but different types so different treatments.  Now look at the Bipolar: D*,  T* & S*, my friends L* & H* and myself. All either Bipolar I or Bipolar II (your brothers both undiagnosed & untreated professionally but as they say if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck….)D*, L* and me: all medicated but all very different medicinal regimes. T*, S* and H* all unmedicated but H* is diagnosed and chooses not to take the drugs. I have been on over 20 different drugs since 1st diagnosed. Some worked and continue to work(Lithium), some worked then stopped working(Tofranil, Zoloft, Trazodone), some work at certain a dose but throw me into hell at slightly different doses(Zoloft, Lamictal) and some just put me in hell(Abilify). With all these drugs I must take into account: what I eat, what I drink and how much, environmental factors(more of a problem in NC than CT), physical illness, other drugs, when I had all my female baggage my menstrual cycle played a HUGE part - this is the short list. My moods change like the wind - I know that and I do try  keep a handle on it but sometimes NOT possible - I really do DO my best. After more than 2(actually more like 4) years I have clarity in my brain. The heavy, hot, wet blanket of depression has lifted almost completely. I actually want to go out although I still have days I would rather contemplate all the ways to kill myself.---------I must interject here I just realized how much I have written and it amazes me mainly because it is not an angry diatribe. These are clear thoughts from a clear mind. ------- Back to business. Mom, I will never be cured. Never. I will have ups & downs. It will hopefully never get as bad as these past few years again but I can't say never to this either. I do my best. I trudge along. I get frustrated because people don't get "it". There is no "pushing  thru it" for me, no "forcing myself". I do my best. Sometimes to some my best seems like I'm not trying. I swear I am - more than anyone can imagine. Right now I'm trying but I must wait on these meds  to see if they will work. I know they seem like they are but at 100mg I'm so manic - it's like a carnival on acid in my brain but a really clear one. I really hope at 50mg (the only other choice for this drug) I retain the clarity without the crazy mania. Without the slide back into depression.

HOPE. WISH. PRAY. WANT.  

call it what you will but it still amounts to no control - a desire - a crapshoot.