My Experience is Real to Me

***I wrote this in a desperate state - when I truly believed I was going to commit suicide - I was tired - I still am but new meds and hospitalization are helping me hold on.***


Soon. 
I'll be leaving soon. 
I know there are those who are worse off than me - mentally, physically. 
I'm just tired of all of it and for me that is worse. 
For me, in my own experience, that is what matters. 

The fear of messing up stops me cold. No one wants to be a zombie.
The idea of 'the end' and no more pain, any kind of pain, would be nice.
Short list: bipolar, bipolar depression, gerd, ibs, peripheral neuropathy, crying,  
constant nausea, vomiting, headaches, diarrhea,  fatigue, body aches, suicidal ideation, bleeding from bellybutton,  emptiness, dry heaves, sadness, self-hatred, ...


I'm tired