Suicide is painless?

You are right - 100% correct - FUCK THIS POST

I think about suicide everyday - have since I was a child I'm 46 now. Call me me selfish, tell me I romanticize it but realize you don't know me and have NEVER walked in my shoes. Molested by a cousin and his friend as a child and then "man-handled" by a peer with developmental disabilities but not mentally disabled. Bullied by "family" and Bipolar - a litany of meds that don't work or only for a brief time. On disability and judged by family, friends and strangers because ... you look/act well enough to work but we conveniently forget you end up on a Psych Ward at least once a year and who could forget the SIX MONTHS you spent in the mental hopital(a chorus of "I do, I do") Where are the understanding people who are casting judgement when it's been 1 week, 2 weeks , a month since you showered because it's so hard to get out of bed. Feeling sorry for the people I leave behind that's a laugh. Unless you tried to understand, unless you were really there - dealing with the crap in your own life and making time for me and my problems. DO NOT THROW YOUR GUILT TRIP AT ME because I did not ask for this and I do not need your pity and most definitely I do not need any more baggage.

So FUCK YOU and FUCK THIS POST.

PS - This is the SHORT version.

The above was my response to the original post.

Below is my response to a friend who posted this and apologized for upsetting me.

I have a few suicides in my family and so I have seen the guts(is that the right word?) it takes as well as what people call the selfishness. I have seen that post before and today it just set me off(difficult night) I understand where you were coming from with that and after viewing the page I get(I think) where most people are at when it comes to mental illness in general. Perhaps the internet is the new mental hospital - bringing people together in their pain, trying to understand each other but there is no real human contact so I think it's more difficult to not judge.

When I was 17 I  self-committed to a mental hospital. I can tell you one thing about leaving high school that February - it was the hardest decision I ever made but it was the most right. I spent 4 months there and was surrounded by people ranging in age of 10 to 80. It was actually very nice - really good food(I put on 20#), school/classes and lots of therapy. Out of all the children/teens there most had made at least one attempt and some were constant cutters/self harmers but none romanticized it. It was just the idea that the pain would be gone(self harm is different it is about feeling but also wanting the pain to go - strange dichotomy). We were all so different but the pain being gone was our common thread. It is not just the adult who struggles with mental illness on a daily basis it is most especially the child, the teen. It is just for some of us the pain does't dissipate and society sees the adult with mental illness as a "real" issue because their parents aren't there to care for them anymore - society must pick up the slack.

I talk/write a lot but I want you(people) to understand that this is most definitely not a choice. I can't imagine anyone wanting this life - whether it be better or worse than mine. Again I thank you for your compassion, empathy and true attempts at understanding and I value your friendship - it is frustrating living in such a repressed environment - but long distance friendships on FB with like/open minded people do help.

my last piece of art

This is a box 6" x 6"
2004

Republican Values

How can anyone in good conscience say they support Republican values? 
They have destroyed education, decimated voting rights, insist that Americans are not "entitled" to social programs, safety nets and a living wage, poisoned our communities and marginalized whole groups of citizens. 

Corporations, banks and the 1% (a status that the majority of Republicans will never attain but believe they will) dominate the playing field and destroy the lives of the rest of America. They care only to increase their wealth on the backs of the common worker with no cares as to the welfare, happiness or success of their fellow man.
Compassion is not a word that most Republicans are familiar with. Fear and anger at those who are "different" do not let Red State voters see that they themselves are in need of compassion. They would rather vote against their own best interests than try to give another or themselves a leg up.The fact that they have in the past and continue now in the present to deny many of our nations citizens their inalienable rights because of skin color, religion, nationality, sexuality or gender while using their "christian values" to hide behind the 1st Amendment is contemptible.

Our children wallow in the willful ignorance of educational policies that substitute religious belief for science and cut out large swathes of our country's history to make some feel  "comfortable". It does nothing but dumb down our future generations and not allow us to compete on the global stage. We look foolish as Climate Change, age of the Earth, Evolution and basic science are denied for religious conviction. We are contradicting history so that we don't look at the genocide of Native Americans, the exclusion, removal, and detention of Japanese-Americans and the real cause behind the Civil War - slavery not state's rights. (perhaps it's the state's right to enslave?)

Americans should be appalled at the chips and outright chunks taken from the Voting Rights Act. It is 2016 and the GOP are still trying to disenfranchise voters. If you are black, poor, elderly - hell ANY minority they are doing their best to stop you from voting. Changing the voting locations, early voting shortened or gone, primary dates changed, mandatory voter id's that are difficult and expensive to get and disgusting gerrymandering. Black and white died for the RIGHT of ALL Americans to vote and the subtle and not so subtle attempts belie an underbelly of hate in this country.  

Republicans say that our veterans are important but want to reduce their benefits. They legislate against the poor and the middle class at every turn. Privatization of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, reduction of Food Stamps, defunding of Planned Parenthood, attempting to refuse the right to collect unemployment, denying a living wage with the excuse that it will destroy businesses. 

Conservatives have no problem loosening regulations that are in place to protect citizens from reckless corporations who only care about the money they make. Look no further than Love Canal in Niagara Falls, NY or currently Flint, MI. Money is everything. People are nothing. The health and well-being of our nations citizens are inconsequential. There is always time for clean-up after lives have been irreparably destroyed. 

If you are not a white straight conservative southern Baptist male you will have problems as well. Your next best chance is being a white woman with those same attributes but even then you will be legislated against - sometimes with your own help. As a woman you do not deserve equal pay and if you are a minority it will be even less so. 
When we enact laws as to who someone can love and marry I feel we cut too close to the bone. Love is love when it is between consenting adults - no matter your race, your sexuality or religion. That there is no problem with our straight (religiously inclined) leaders marrying multiple times after cheating on spouses who are terminally ill is astounding.
As a woman the right to decide your own medical care, in the most personal circumstances, is not yours in many states. A woman's health concerns are between her and her doctor not her and the state or federal legislature or some ridiculous zealots who should focus on their own lives instead of intruding where they do not belong.
If you believe in no-belief or a different god you are looked upon as an undesirable. 
Religion and state should not mix - our founding fathers worked it that way for a reason.
No one has the authority to pass moral judgement on another. Their own holy book instructs them to "Judge not, that ye be not judged" and yet they cherry-pick that as well. Doing for themselves while short changing those who are not like them. 

6 months, a year even 2 years into a Trump or Cruz Presidency I hope all the supporters of these Republican contenders remember how they voted. When the promises of these silver tongued candidates have fallen by the wayside and the people are struggling and wondering how it got so bad will they see the folly of their beliefs? I expect they will be back to blaming Obama and the liberals and the "others" for their problems - as one of the main values of the Republicans is to never take responsibility for their own actions. 

Heather McManamy

A 36-year-old woman who recently passed away from metastatic cancer did something a lot of people do: she wrote a heartfelt goodbye to her loved ones, along with some instructions for how to help her young daughter cope. It’s the refreshingly honest and beautiful things she said in that letter that are taking the internet by surprise.

Hello all,
I am posting this on behalf of the love of my life. These are her words. Much love to all.
- Jeff McManamy
So…I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, apparently, I’m dead. Good news, if you’re reading this, is that you are most definitely not (unless they have wifi in the afterlife). Yes, this sucks. It sucks beyond words, but I’m just so damn glad I lived a life so full of love, joy and amazing friends. I am lucky to honestly say that I have zero regrets and I spent every ounce of energy I had living life to the fullest. I love you all and thank you for this awesome life.
Whatever religion brings you comfort, I am happy that you have that. However, respect that we are not religious. Please, please, please do not tell Brianna that I am in heaven. In her mind, that means that I chose to be somewhere else and left her. In reality, I did everything I could to be here with her, as there is nowhere, NOWHERE, I would rather be than with her and Jeff. Please don’t confuse her and let her think for one second that is not true. Because, I am not in heaven. I’m here. But no longer in the crappy body that turned against me. My energy, my love, my laughter, those incredible memories, it’s all here with you. Please don’t think of me with pity or sadness. Smile, knowing that we had a blast together and that time was AMAZING. I fucking hate making people sad. More than anything, I love making people laugh and smile, so please, rather than dwelling on the tragic Terms of Endearment end of my story, laugh at the memories we made and the fun we had. Please tell Brianna stories, so she knows how much I love her and how proud of her I will always be (and make me sound waaay cooler than I am). Because I love nothing more than being her mommy. Nothing. Every moment with her was a happiness I couldn’t even imagine until she came crashing into our world.
And don’t say I lost to cancer. Because cancer may have taken almost everything from me, but it never took my love or my hope or my joy. It wasn’t a “battle” it was just life, which is often brutally random and unfair, and that’s simply how it goes sometimes. I didn’t lose, dammit. The way I lived for years with cancer is something I consider a pretty big victory. Please remember that.
Most importantly, I was unbelievably lucky to spend over a decade with the love of my life and my best friend, Jeff. True love and soulmates do exist. Every day was full of hilarity and love with Jeff by my side. He is genuinely the best husband in the universe. Through all my cancer crap, he never wavered when so many people would want to run. Even on the worst days you could imagine, we found a way to laugh together. I love him more than life itself and I truly believe that a love like that is so special it will live forever. Time is the most precious thing in this world and to have shared my life for so long with Jeff is something I am incredibly grateful for. I love you, Jeff. I believe that the awesomeness that is Brianna is our love brought to life, which is pretty beautiful. It absolutely breaks my heart to have to say goodbye. If it’s half as sad for you as it is for me, it breaks my heart over again because the last thing I ever want to do is make you sad. I hope that with time, you can think of me and smile and laugh, because, holy shit did we have a breathtaking life. Go google Physicist’s Eulogy and know that it is a scientific fact I will always be with you both in some way. I know that if you just stop and look hard enough, I’ll be with there (in as non-creepy a way possible). You’re my world and I loved every second we had together more than words.
Friends, I love you all and thank you for the most wonderfully awe-inspiring life. And thank you to all of my amazing doctors and nurses who have taken such incredible care of me. I don’t doubt that my team gave me every possible good day that they could. From the bottom of my heart, I wish all my friends long, healthy lives and I hope you can experience the same appreciation for the gift of each day that I did. If you go to my funeral, please run up a bar tab that would make me proud. Heck, blast “Keg on My Coffin” and dance on the bar for me (because there had better be a dance party at some point). Celebrate the beauty of life with a kickass party because you know that’s what I want and I believe that in a weird way, I will find a way to be there too (you know how much I hate missing out on fun). I look forward to haunting each one of you, so this isn’t so much a goodbye as it is see you later Please do me a favor and take a few minutes each day to acknowledge the fragile adventure that is this crazy life. Don’t ever forget: every day matters.

https://www.facebook.com/heather.mcmanamy/posts/10153176115305951

O Come All Ye F@ithless

Repost from my FaceBook

In case you have not noticed I have changed my cover photo. “’O Come All Ye F@ithless’ Join Us In Reason This Season” this is a counter to all the xenophobic paranoid rantings I'm reading on FB. 

The majority of the posters and my friends on here attribute themselves to be Christians (of some type)and they also tend to be the ones calling for walls, border closings and deportations of refugees and, in some cases, American citizens. Here, in The United States of America, we are a melting pot. This country is an amalgamation of nationalities, cultures and ethnicities with the inclusion of religion being a part of our Constitutional protections. "Whereas the First Amendment secures the free exercise of religion, section one of the Fourteenth Amendment prohibits discrimination, including on the basis of religion, by securing "the equal protection of the laws" for every person."(1) No one in this country should live in fear because of difference of religion or any other characteristic. How is it the seeming majority are allowing the minority to guide our decisions as to who is “good” and who is “bad”? We are falling back into a time of fear and hatred guiding our decisions. To speak of rounding up one group to keep another safe is ludicrous. It wasn't just Nazis collecting the Jews, homosexuals, political dissidents, et al. during WWII and putting them in internment camps; the United States rounded up Japanese-Americans AND German-Americans as well. Do we, as a nation, want to travel that road again? Must we let fear and paranoia lead our actions? 

Now back to the attribution of Christianity. Your Christ accepted NOT excepted everyone.
Romans 15:7 “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring glory to God.”
Matthew 7:1-2 1"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2"For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.…”
Matthew 25:40 "And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'
Practice what (you say) you and your God preach.

Muslims and Muslim-Americans are not the enemy. The fear and hatred that is being stirred up against an entire population by ISIS/ISIL, Donald Trump and the small-minded xenophobic bigots is wrong and they are the enemy and the true terrorists. We, the American people, must stand against this type of behavior all it does is divide us and make the enemy stronger. And while it may seem difficult to discern who the radicals are we must have faith in our government to do right by us, as a nation, and keep us safe while keeping our freedoms in tact. All our of freedoms are for all of our people.

(1)https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_of_religion_in_the_United_States#The_Fourteenth_Amendment

feeling frustrated

***From my post on Facebook***

feeling frustrated.

I know that most of my "friends" on Facebook don't even view my posts and I'm sure the rest of you are fed up with my activist postings, especially the current gun related ones, but I will keep posting away in hopes of getting one of you to really think about other issues and especially the alternative to more guns.

Three incidents in one week.
Where is the outrage? Where is the want for change? Where is the belief that you can help slow the rise of this tide(maybe even be a catalyst to stop it)? You can do so much more than cry about people wanting to take your guns. BTW no one but the NRA and their lackeys only ever mention THAT.

Write to your local paper, write a blog, post an opinion on FB, write to your government officials. Let them know you are a responsible gun owner who sees the need for appropriate gun legislation. Take a moment to look over some of my posts from the last few days and tell me that arming everyone is the only solution to this violence. Give solid reasoning because the dreck that comes from the Right after every gun-related tragedy just isn't holding water any longer. The 2nd Amendment was written at a time when we did not have an organized military - "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." and also allows for the people to have guns - keep in mind the type of gun that was available at the time this was written. 

I read that people are tired of the tragic news reports so they turn off the news. Turning it off does not make it go away and it definitely will not make things better. Change is what will work and change can only be brought about thru you. Thru all of us. Gun safety is not relinquishing your guns. Gun safety is universal and thorough background checks, professional instruction that leads to government licensing (just like your drivers license), mandatory gun safes and gun owners taking responsibility for unsecured guns. If you have better ideas please post them or even better write your Congressperson as well.

Well that is my tirade for the day and if even one person read this I'll feel a bit better about humanity. Peace out.

My Experience is Real to Me

***I wrote this in a desperate state - when I truly believed I was going to commit suicide - I was tired - I still am but new meds and hospitalization are helping me hold on.***


Soon. 
I'll be leaving soon. 
I know there are those who are worse off than me - mentally, physically. 
I'm just tired of all of it and for me that is worse. 
For me, in my own experience, that is what matters. 

The fear of messing up stops me cold. No one wants to be a zombie.
The idea of 'the end' and no more pain, any kind of pain, would be nice.
Short list: bipolar, bipolar depression, gerd, ibs, peripheral neuropathy, crying,  
constant nausea, vomiting, headaches, diarrhea,  fatigue, body aches, suicidal ideation, bleeding from bellybutton,  emptiness, dry heaves, sadness, self-hatred, ...


I'm tired